Sunday, March 28, 2010

How I ran a 5K and managed to stay alive

Yes, you read that headline right. I ran a 5K.

Well - "ran" in quotation marks.... because my running is pretty much equal to someone else's walking (Jimmy LOL). My poor little fred flintstone feet are a bit achey today. But, I did it, it was another thing to conquer and I finished it.

What is weird about a 5K, I think, is that logically you know it is a short distance (3.1 miles, give or take a 10th). So in your head you think no big deal -- I walk that far just for fun and to get fresh air and it doesn't take long really.

But when you are actually DOING the 5K it is a totally different animal. It seems to be never ending and you feel like you've been running/walking forEVER and someone will say "Alright you've done 1 mile" and you are like "Whaaa?? SERIOUSLY?" LOL

This particular 5K was made even tougher due to the wind and the hills. I would not be lying if I told you that old Bob Seger song "Against the Wind" was running through my mind! And the 2nd mile of this one was pretty much all uphill.

All that aside -- I did what I intended to do -- I FINISHED. I did not give up and walk away (altho trust me part of my brain was telling me to do just that). I did not just give up and walk it because my knees were hurting or my calves were like rocks. I gave it my all - and then I gave it some more. Which surprised me, in a way. I know I have it in me to do that, it is just so not "me" most of the time.

Now... there is a big part of me saying, "Ok Tam... 5K, been there, done that, got the t-shirt. You never have to do that again." And I'm not really sure that I want to do it again -- but then again.... a part of me does. Not to try and compete or anything like that, but just to see if I can do it again.

I may never be a huge running fan, but this was a great experience and one that should, in the back of my mind, be repeated (but maybe without the hills) :)

posted by Tamfish @ 12:23 PM Comments: 1

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Processing Quest 12

Be warned – this may be long and rambling. I don’t know where I am going with this just yet. Turn back now if you like – or take a risk and don’t. It’s all good.


When I signed up for Quest I did so knowing that I would be challenged to “get outside my comfort zone”. I did it because I felt called to do it and I believed that if God meant for Quest to be a part of my path, He would see that it happened. Well, He did and honestly I had no idea that it would be this hard, that it would ask so much of me. But not so much physically – more mentally and spiritually.


Let me go back a bit and see if I can explain what I mean by that.


I am a woman who seems to constantly fight my own ego. Years ago, I was in better shape, having done a weigh loss/fitness program before which was very successful and I learned a lot from that. But it didn’t last (again, that pesky ego gets in the way) and I found myself on a downward slide back into old habits. I heard that this new program was starting in town called Fit by Faith, so I went and checked it out. Krista seemed cool, and Tae Bo was something I could do and was somewhat familiar with, having done kickboxing workouts before.


I started attending Fit by Faith and it was fun for a while. But after some time went by… my ego began talking. “This is too hard” it would say….. “Krista is pushing you too much”……”You don’t need someone to tell you what to do, you already know all of this….”


Nasty, nasty ego.


So…. I quit.


Things were fine. I went on living my life, doing my thing. I’d exercise here and there when I felt like it. Eat what I felt like eating. Do what I felt like doing. That is what life is about right? Being happy? Yes, I told myself. That is what it’s about.


The weight kept creeping up, but I didn’t really notice. The strength and stamina I had gained slowly was lost, but again, I didn’t really notice.


It was probably enough that just unaware daily living was putting me right back where I started, but we all know sometimes life deals us a blow that really derails us. I got one of those when my best friend Lori died of cancer. I am only just now beginning to understand how that affected me, and I am only now beginning to really deal with it in my head (I think of Lori and cry all the time in stretch class…. Just lying there quietly listening to the music…. That was her music, those words were her strength… it is so hard but it is cathartic… I have to feel it in order to get through it, and I haven’t let myself feel it before)


When Lori died, my ego told me that this meant it was time to LIVE my life in any way that made me happy. Because life was short and unfair, and it could end cruelly at any moment. “Don’t deny yourself that Sonic coke float! It could all end tomorrow!” Of course it wasn’t all about food – this mindset involved other things like truly realizing how blessed I am to have my husband and family and friends, and really relishing my time with them in a deeper way than before. So it wasn’t ALL bad. Still….. the food thing, the choosing to be sedentary… it took a toll.


THEN a funny thing happened. I started seeing Krista everywhere. That was weird, I’d quit Fit by Faith what ….. 2 years before? 3? And didn’t see her anywhere around town (and it’s not that big a town!) and suddenly she was everywhere I turned. Driving her Mustang down Austin Avenue. Turning up as a friend of a friend on Facebook. I’m serious, it seems like I saw her every week for months!


And then one day I was shopping in Walmart – and there she was. Coming down the aisle toward me.

I turned and went the other way so she wouldn’t see me.


Why? Because I was embarrassed. Because if she asked me where I’d been, I wouldn’t have a good answer. Because I knew I had changed – and not in a good way – and I didn’t want to be judged.


I thought about that and I realized – it wasn’t Krista judging me. It was ME judging MYSELF.


I knew then that I was being called back to Fit by Faith. I knew that it was time to “leggo my ego” and step outside my comfort zone. It was time to reach out – I had spent so much time alone, trying to do what was right for my health and my body yet satisfies my ego. It just wasn’t working and it was time to face the fact that I needed HELP and I could not do this alone. I needed support, motivation and yes, instruction.


That first day I went back to FBF I was terrified – but when I walked in the door and was greeted so warmly, I knew I was doing the right thing.


Which brings me (finally!) back to Quest 12. I KNEW it would be physically tough – and believe me, it is. What I didn’t realize is that it would give me so much mentally and spiritually. Going into it, I made the commitment to trust my trainers, rely on my teammates and to just get OUTSIDE myself, leave my ego at the door and do anything that was asked of me. Anything. It is not easy! There are days when my ego is talking very loudly. I struggle. I rationalize. But I fight – I want to be a fighter! I want to overcome and be a strong, confident, capable woman. And I am getting there, I know I am.


If you had told me this time last year that I would have done something as crazy as a 7 hour Tae bo a thon I’d have laughed in your face and said “Yeah… whatever!” If you had told me I would stand at the bottom of Thrill Hill scared out of my gourd and then run/march/slog my way to the top TWICE I would have said, “Why on earth…. Nobody NEEDS to do that!”


I HAVE DONE THOSE THINGS!!


I am RE-learning that I don’t need to be afraid of anything! I am re-learning that I don’t have to listen to my ego – because my ego is afraid! My ego wants to keep me in a box, it wants me alone and scared and living with limits. I say – NO MORE.


If I had listened to my ego, I would be missing out on all of this! To see everyone facing the challenge of that hill….. WOW that was amazing. And it feeds me spiritually. To see my friend Dusty march back up that hill even tho the challenge was over….. just… Wow. Chills up my spine. THAT is inspiring. And to think I would have missed that.

I am more firmly convinced than EVER that my being a part of Quest 12 is Divine in nature. I know I was placed on the Green Team for a reason. What started out to be a way to lose some weight and inches has become bigger than I could ever have dreamed. I see now that I was meant to be changed from the inside out, that I was meant to forge relationships that feed my soul.


My favorite story about Lori is from our senior year in high school. We were going to go “riding around” in Llano – which meant driving from one end of town to the other -- a typical high school activity in a small town. Kim couldn’t go, she was grounded. For some reason Lori thought it was a good idea to go to Kim’s house and try to convince Kim’s dad that he was wrong, he should unground her and let her go with us. Well, she was not successful in doing this – in fact she made Kim’s father pretty irate! And as Lori was walking back to the car, angry and defeated, she whirled back around and yelled out:

“We just want to LIVE dammit!!”

A silly, emotional cry from a teenage girl takes on such profound meaning now. We all just want to LIVE --- in big bold capital letters.


All this time I thought I was doing just that – but I wasn’t. It was just a shadow of what a full life could be. My friend Kathy said it best. When I told her about the Thrill Hill challenge, she said, “Just in case you didn't know it, you are LIVING!!!!!!”


How right she is.

posted by Tamfish @ 10:41 AM Comments: 2